What I Learned from My 49th Year of Vision Quest
Going out for my 49th year of vision quest, I am grateful and honored to carry on the traditions I was taught by my Indigenous elders.
Studying, teaching, and practicing shamanic wisdom, working with nature, and plant spirit medicine, I carry on a lineage passed on to me through Indigenous elders who reached out to me. The Vision Quest tradition is a powerful rite of passage I am grateful to share each year, this year, what I learned from my 49th year of Vision Quest.
“Do you want some medicine?” the frog asked the mouse. “Then crouch down as low as you can and jump as high as you can.” Jumping Mouse did as he was instructed, goes the story in Cheyenne writer Hyemeyohsts Storm’s classic book, Seven Arrows.
Jumping Mouse crouched. He jumped. The wind caught him and carried him higher. “Do not be afraid. Hang on the the Wind and Trust!” said the frog."
I had my trust muscle worked really hard when up to a few days before this 49th year of leading Vision Quest was about to start—I still did not have a site to go to. Given our new home in Southern California and the impacts of climate change, I tried to find a questing site closer to Santa Barbara than my usual sites over the years out of Tuolumne Meadows in Yosemite High Country. I was limited to trying to find one without being able to explore it physically because of a damaged ankle hurting from an earlier exploration when my foot slipped off a rock trying to cross a river in the Matillija Canyon without getting wet. My leg slammed into the water jamming several feet down into the river bed stopping my fall. No broken bones but severely sprained ankle so I couldn’t walk more than a few steps.
On top of that, one prospective site after another literally washed out when roads up into the mountains were closed due to landslides and flooding. Each failure led to increasing stress as the date got closer and closer and still no site. Every day, there was more desperation in my prayers to Kayumari Deer Spirit to be led to a site that worked for our needs. Anxiety, fear, what if I had to cancel it with people flying in from the east coast and driving down from SF? Ahhh! No!
Give thanks to Kayumari for bringing in the perfect place even though you don’t know where it will be. Keep giving thanks and stay strong in faith that it is on its way! This said the wisdom voice. Two days before folks were to arrive, a doorway opened for a quest site on private land just outside of Joshua Tree National Monument. No one lived on the land but the owners had allowed it to be used for thirty years of Native American Church Ceremonies, sweat lodge ceremonies and even some Huichol ceremony. After talking with the owner I got her OK and wow, huge relief and gratitude! Finally, I could look forward to the adventure of exploring and learning about a new area to see what medicine teachings and power it might hold.
The site was perfect for me because we could drive our cars down five miles of dirt road, park and walk a hundred yards to a ceremonial fire pit with access to water so I didn’t have to try and backpack in somewhere on an injured ankle that was hurting. Praise be.
I loved being back again in the kind of high desert I first saw when I was five years old. My mother had moved my sister and I to LA two years after my dad died to live with my grandparents. One of the first places we visited soon after arriving was Palm Springs. Imagine what those big open spaces looked to a kid from the sidewalks and skyscrapers of New York City. The high desert was to play a significant role in my growth when I spent time at medicine man Rolling Thunder’s community, Meta Tantay, which means “go in peace” in Chumash, outside of Carlin, Nevada for my first in-depth immersion in Native American spirituality over fifty years ago. It was here that I first learned the Chumash Welcome Song that I sing at retreats and quests and in my daily prayers starting each day.
A quote from Jeremy Lent in his book The Web of Meaning, perfectly addresses why I go on quest, and have gone, for forty-nine years: "We need to wake up and understand our collective identity and change the lens by which we see the world.”
Immersing in a setting of beauty and power in the the natural world, sleeping on Mother Earth, the sky above, fasting in solitude for several days and nights, being threshed by wind, weather, physical suffering and uninterrupted time for introspection, along with sharing time with other questers for ceremony around Grandfather Fire, helps me change my lens to see wider, deeper, clearer and gain wisdom gifts that emerge from a state of humility, receptivity, patience and attention to all that occurs.
Storm speaks about the Medicine Wheel and how each of us has a beginning place on the wheel through our birth which gives us our most natural way of perceiving and understanding.
Mouse People in the South see and feel with innocence only what is right there in front of or below them. They see the small and close vision.
Bear People in the West see through introspection and intuition, gifts of the Looks Within Place.
Buffalo People in the North see and understand with the mind, thinking and reflecting about things.
Eagle People in the East see the far and wide, the larger vision, with illumination.
No one way is better than the other. All are needed if one seeks to walk in balance and wholeness understanding other ways of seeing and knowing then the one you were born into. The vision quest is an opportunity to travel around the Medicine Wheel to experience and learn of the other ways along with the medicine power that comes from below, Mother Earth, and above, Father Sky, along with the power in the center from which all the other medicine ways come from, the Source, Great Spirit.
My questing time always brings new assignments and the opportunity to review the assignments I got the previous year to see how I did with them and what needs tending to make sure they are completed with honor and integrity. The gift of grace that brought me and the other questers to spend six days in the place we ended up in brings overwhelming gratitude. Why? Because it was truly awesome. The power of the fierce wind at night. The stunning silence when the wind stopped and no birds sang, no planes flew over, was mind-blowing. Awesome. I could hear the earth, the cosmos, breathing.
The vast vista looking down from the mountains above Joshua Tree down into the expansive desert terrain below, the cholla cactus, the Joshua Trees, the amazing shapes and configurations of huge boulders, the high-flying flocks of ravens, crow, vultures and occasional hawks or eagles, the fantastic cloud formations gliding across the sky, all wove together to create a tapestry of beauty that was filled with medicine power and teachings. Here is a poem that reflects my experience.
winds stop
silence profound
no planes
rocks abide
silent symphony
listen -
Great Grandmother Growth
Takutsi Nakaway in Huichol
can you hear Her breathe?
aikido teaching
“move like clouds”
Tao flow
blending
slowly
tenderly
gently
softly
Joshua trees
little bees
coyotes howl
vultures
twirl
“not yet!”
says I"
time
will
come
but
today
let us
pray
today
let us
play
Mythologist Michale Meade advises that “in troubled times, follow the Way of the Heart, heal wounds and find visions trying to enter the world to heat its wounds.” This is precisely what happens for me on quest time and I get that it is not just me that this happens for when I listen to questers share their experience on our last night together. Mouse appears in the sacred fire as one person talks about mouse, eagle appears in the fire as I listen to the words of each relative who was courageous enough to undertake the experience. Three generations. Three men and three women. A twenty year old just starting out, a man and a woman in their thirties, a man and a woman in their fifties and the old codger, me, bringing up the rear.
Medicine from altered state of dreams and sharing of other questers, medicine that soaks into us from the power that is there in the ancient lands carved by millions of years of weather, and rock-spirits, what the elders call the Stone People, the oldest people, the ones who carry the history of the planet, pour their rejuvenating energy into opened minds, bodies, hearts and spirits. It fills me up. Charges my batteries by plugging into the main power source for days and nights on end under star filled skies or dark skies threatening to wreck storm upon us that miraculously, prayers answered, pass us bye and allow questers time to head out to their spots that have called them and set up their tents without the challenges of storming rain and wind. Prayers answered allowing us to have time around Tatewari, Grandfather Fire Spirit, for our ceremonies, our meals and hanging out in leisure after return from our time in solitude and breaking fast. Praise be for all these gifts of grace. Praise be for your prayers and support. A million thank-you's.
Sharing some medicine that came through that might have meaning for you:
***** In troubled times with many threats to life and the truth that no matter what you do you won’t survive, focus on thrive instead, which means finding what feeds the soul of your heart and the heart of your soul for that is what will bring you joy, peace and fulfillment.
***** The importance of honoring the spirits and ancestors of the lands where you live so for us in the desert it is the Luiséno, the Serrano, the Cupenos, the Cahuilla, the Mojave and the Chemehuevi.
***** A new spirit ally, the Splicer, whose medicine empowers my ability to cut through obstacles.
***** Dream guidance to live integrity of love light that can disarm potential threats.
***** Taking greater ownership of the download I have received from the Starlight Ohana Transmission on Psychedelic Shamanism.
***** Dream guidance raising the reality that we have stolen from people of color and the question of how to repay for what we have stolen.
***** Dream guidance on the importance of not responding to challenging others (right-wing Proud Boys, fundamentalist Christians evangelicals pushing their way as the only way, or whatever it is for you) with polarizing judgment, but instead, by trying to understand through dialogue what experiences and wounds have fueled their fears and what needs they are trying to meet by their actions so we can connect with our shared common humanity
***** And lastly, also from the Dreaming, of which quest time is such a rich stimulus for what is called Big Dreams, comes this message:
You are capable of amazing things your rational mind and ego-based identity doesn't think is possible. YOU are amazing. Do not drop garbage thoughts on your divine self or on other divine beings tarnishing our shared divinity. Instead, come back to the wisdom guidance frog gives mouse in the Seven Arrows story.
Crouch down as low as you can go, then jump as high as you can go. The wind will catch you and carry you up. Do not be afraid. Trust. Let Go. Relax. Surrender. You are being carried. You are more than you think you are.
May this brief sharing of this year’s vision quest medicine support you in your daily vision questing with the challenges and joys of your life. May we all show up to do our part to perceive, understand and live from the truth of who we are, and what we are, honoring the purpose of our being here doing our part to help heal the Sacred Hoop of Live and create the kind of healthy and just, peaceful and harmonious, beautifully diverse, WinWinWorld we are capable of creating.
Next year, Spirit willing, back to the sacred High Desert for quest number fifty. May it be so!
The Gifts of Grace: Twelve Boys and their Rites of Passage
As I prepared to take the 12 teenage boys out on Vision Quest, the weather spirits spoke and they spoke loudly. I got the news on the eve of our departure – Three days of big lightning storms blasting the Northern Sierra just where we were going to go on quest! Not safe given that we would be hiking over big stretches of granite to reach out intended site sooooo, instead of packing up after a full day at work I spent the evening frantically calling wilderness friends trying to find an alternative site that would work for what we were seeking. I went to bed late that night exhausted still not knowing where we were going to go and if we would have to cancel the whole trip. Postponing it was out of the question because parents had already made their summer plans around the date we had set up and the boys were all geared up and excited (but nervous and anxious as well).
Not much sleep as I was tossing and turning trying to figure out what to do until finally I got to the point where I had to just turn it over to spirit. It was beyond my control so I let it all go surrendering the whole situation into spirit’s hands. Then I could finally fall asleep for a few hours. Next morning Greg and I drove the rented van down to the school parking lot where we were meeting the boys and their families for our taking off ceremony. Standing in the center of two circles, the boys around me and their parents and sisters forming a larger circle surrounding us I gave them the news that our planned destination was out scratched due to bad weather. I shared that we would head up to the South Fork of the Yuba River in the Sierra foothills where I had led a quest last summer with a mentorship group of middle-aged men and hope that the base camp I had used previously would be available but there would be no way to know until we drove up and hiked several miles into the site. We were taking off into mystery not knowing if the site would work for this larger group even if base camp was available because there are limited flat spots along the river to camp within a safe distance where the boys could signal one another in case they got into trouble on their solo time. One of the boys had an extreme allergy to any kind of nuts and required hospitalization 20 minutes after giving himself a shot with his EPI Pen if he had a reaction. No way that could happen from where we would be so once again it required surrendering into the bigger hands with faith and trust that the boys, all forewarned, did not bring any items that could cause an allergic response.
On the drive up, the 12 boys, Greg Snowden and myself, the weather report said there was a 30 to 40% chance of a thunderstorm just about the time we would arrive at the start of the trail which you can see in the picture below as the boys are loading up their packs. I did my prayers that we would get a break and at least be able to hike in and set up our shelters before the rain hit and that the great base camp would be available. If not, we might have to drive back home that night since I could not come up with any other site that worked for our purpose. Again I surrendered letting go of attachment to outcome while trusting that whatever was for our greatest good would transpire and that would be what we had to deal with, all part of a “Coyote (trickster) Quest!”
The Gifts of Grace were plentiful beginning with perfect weather when we arrived and hiked in. The base camp site was available, the river was clear and beautiful with a fabulous swimming area right in front of our place with large boulders for the boys to scamper on and jump into the water. What a relief and great fun to watch them frolic in the beauty of the river, the magnificently shaped boulders and rocks and the sandy beachfront that was ours to enjoy. Some of the boys caught some crayfish that they cooked up for dinner that night.
After dinner we circled up with each boy sharing their intention for the quest. Their was a commonality of intention re: seeking more confidence and inner strength to face challenges in their lives, to try new things and to gain insight into themselves and the workings of nature. Each boy would be tested by fasting for a full day and night, something that growing 13 year old boys who eat ravenously and continuously would truly find challenging, along with facing nighttime fears sleeping out without a tent, worrying about bears, mountain lions, rattlesnakes and even news we heard hiking in about a crack head who was camped further up the river from us who was known to steal gear from others when it was left unguarded. Plenty of good stuff for the boys and their imagination to work with during the night.
Watching the boys set up their weather protection, prepare their meals, interact with each other, set up their gear and interacted with the environment allowed me to see not only their external behavior but also afforded a doorway into their hearts and souls. Greg and I were very fortunate as the boys all knew each other and were friends through my 13 year old grandson who provided the motivation for me to offer this experience in the first place, an opportunity for him and his buddies to experience some of the richness of questing work in the wilderness that has been such a treasure of growth and guidance and inspiration and wisdom in my own life. The boys were used to cooperating through their experiences in team sports and besides that they were really good guys; responsible, caring, intelligent, full of yearning for adventure and being tested. Just what I needed when I was 13 but didn’t get in a way that was meaningful for me.
It was an exciting adventure crossing the river with packs on coming and going with a few of us taking falls, including me, and some needing the help of others to right our selves in the current and slippery river-bottom rocks we were walking on. Thursday morning before the boys took off to their sites I shared with them how the tests they would face would be ones that they had chosen for themselves and would give them good practice in finding the resources they would need to meet the tests in their future lives would bring them challenges they had not chosen and the work they did now would serve them in the future. “Just by showing up to face yourself in these tests you have already proven your courage which is not the absence of fear but going forward with what your heart and soul calls you to do even though you are frightened.”
During my own solo time I had opportunity to reflect on how at the age of 13, I was already heading down a dark path of drug abuse (alcohol was the drug of my growing-up experience), anti-social and acting-out delinquent behavior. I felt so gifted that I could be with these healthy boys and give them what i so much wanted and needed at their age; respect for their thoughts and ideas, for their hopes and dreams, for their creativity and listening to and honoring the calling of their hearts and souls, versus being told by authority figures what to believe, what to do, what to feel and how to be. I loved giving them the space to make their own decisions, within reason and with some safety guidelines, from which they could learn from their own experiences rather than being lectured to and pressured to fit into a mold someone else had created that didn’t care about their own sense of integrity and authenticity. I loved showing my grandson a fisherman’s knot by which to tie two ends of a rope together in a really magical kind of way when helping him secure his shelter. He was as excited to see how it worked as i had been forty three years earlier when I had first learned it. I thought about the transmissions between generations and that one day he will pass this knot on to his own children.
The boys came back Friday morning from their fasting time all having been thoroughly tested and ready to eat a whole market’s worth of food. Afterwards we again sat in circle with each boy sharing what they had gotten from the quest, what “medicine” they were given to take home and use in their lives. The boys spoke of new found sense of strength, respect for food and empathy for those who do not have enough to eat around the world, the importance of self-restraint, how the fast helped them slow down to see more of what is all around them but they don’t ordinarily see or pay attention to in their busyness and activity, respect for people and animals, how everything is interconnected, respect for nature and how things work and finally an appreciation for silence.
I was very happy and relieved to have them all back safely together learning that morning how one boy had changed his site location in the night and had fallen while crossing the river, gotten soaked and spent the night wet and uncomfortable. Hearing about this I have thanks for the umpteenth time prior for no rain on our hike in and while setting up camp, for the warm weather that allowed for swimming and good-time play in the river, for no rattlesnake bites or allergic reactions that required emergency service, no problems with theft or threatening presence of others camping on the river, for the good spirit and cooperative and helpful attitude and caring behavior of the boys. Not once did I have to raise my voice when I needed their attention. Nor did I ever have to reprimand a boy about his behavior. So many gifts of grace and now another one hearing about the adventure of the boy who slipped in the river that he was ok. He could have hit his head, been knocked unconscious and drowned and I wouldn’t have even known about it until the morning! Thank you Great Spirit for the gifts of protection!
After breaking camp and cleaning up (I told the boys “We need to leave this campsite even better than when we found it so the spirits that live whose living room we have been in for these three days will fell good about our having been here”), we loaded up our packs, crossed the river with only one rescue needed, hiked back to the van and drove home to the waiting parents, sisters and brothers. Greg and I had a good time listening to their conversations, hearing their jokes and learning about their music tastes. Not sure that I want to take up hip-hop myself but it was great hearing them sing along. I also taught them a thank-you prayer song that we would sing to the parents at our closing circle which they enthusiastically spent time practicing several times on the car ride so they could sing it with confidence.
I had tasked each boy to write a support letter to themselves and one thanking their parents for whatever they were truly thankful which they would give to their parents upon return home. I had also asked the parents to do some homework writing about their own teenage years experiences and what they learned from them so that if they had the chance to do it again what would they do differently. The parents would give their boys their letter as well so it would be in interchange that would begin the integration process for both parties.
We did our closing circle at our house with a potluck the parents had prepared. The boys sang their song, shared a bit of what they got from the quest facing their parents in an outer circle as they stood with Greg and I in an inner circle. I gifted each with a bear claw necklace signifying the “strength of the great Mother Bear” honoring the strength they had shown in facing their fears which the necklace could serve as a reminder of when they faced challenges in the years to come. We finished our ceremony by all of us coming into one circle, holding hands during which i offered a thanks-giving prayer honoring the parents for doing such a good job raising the boys to this point and a last prayer blessing the boys as they went on into their future creating a good and meaningful life sharing their gifts to make a better world. Then we ate and wowee, glad I wasn’t footing the bill for the poundage of food they put away!
Thank you brother Greg for your helpful presence, support, wisdom and sharing taking time from work to be a vital part of this quest. And thank you for taking pictures that are included below. Thanks to my daughter Kimberly, Corbin’s mother for handling all the logistics so capably and graciously, thanks to Andrea for hosting the potluck at our home and thank you parents for trusting Greg and I with your precious sons, thank you One and All for your supportive prayers during our time on quest and thank you Great Mystery for taking such good care of us! We needed all the help we could get and through your caring and support the doorway opened for the numerous gifts of grace that came through to us all.
Un mil gracias por todo!