Green Lake Vision Quest Teachings

“One of the uses of the physical world is a contemplative one: it provides insight into the invisible revealed by things that are made.”
- St. Augustine

Home from my 48th year of vision questing immersed for six days in nature by a beautiful lake surrounded by majestic mountains in the High Sierra. Catching up on my mail a headline in the 2021October issue of Scientific American catches my eye, “A mismatch between theory and experiment from muons points to possible new particles and forces of nature.” Hmmm. “forces of nature.” I was just emerged for six days and nights out in “the forces of nature" all around me, above me, below me. Reading the article I am curious to see if what scientists studying nature inside laboratories fits in anyway with what I have been studying about nature while actually in nature. My tools were looking, feeling, sensing, listening and contemplation of what I was experiencing. 

Contemplation, described by author Tim Lilburn in his book Living In the World As If It Were Home, is "an insistent noetic desire to understand the world as message bearing…an inquiry into the nature of reality…opening to the singing and dreaming of things for the world, by hints, helps us unravel the meaning of an infinite mind.”  This is precisely the kind of contemplation and understanding I cultivate on vision quest. Speaking of understanding, muons are subatomic particles produced by cosmic rays in earth’s atmosphere, 10,000 of which pass through our bodies every minute without any conscious awareness of their passage. That is a lot of action to be unaware of, to say the least.  What else passes through us unnoticed as we go about our daily lives? To answer that question I go into nature -  mountains, forest and desert to pursue contemplative knowing that in Lilburn's words, "does not seek to subdue the world but to dwell in it ... a homecoming to what is ... a mind humbled and sharpened, made keen for love." 

I go on quest  to open and attune to whatever presents itself which consistently elicits a confrontation with my reactivity patterns and shadow. Sound grim? It is, for awhile, but those are the guardians at the gate that I have to face in order to open the attunement channel to the "forces of nature". This work feeds my soul. It charges my spiritual batteries. It also challenges me with homework, to integrate the quest insights gained from contemplative knowing into my ongoing life.

I entered this quest as I was transitioning into my twelfth, seven year cycle turning 77 in January of 2022. I sought guidance on what is most important for me to pay attention to as I enter this new cycle. If I make it to the end of it I will be eighty-four years old and who knows what kind of shape I will be in then and what kind of shape the world will be in as well. Given a recent fall, slamming into the concrete side of the neighborhood pool when my leg mysteriously slipped out from under me and just missed smashing my head into the side as well, what I call Death Making A Gesture, I am just happy to be alive now and able to put one foot in front of the other. If I had hit my head there was a good chance it could have knocked me out and I would have drowned in the pool. There was no one else there. I felt blessed to be alive and able to go on quest instead of being dead or home in a full body cast for months immobilized by broken bones.

I was totally out of condition with no exercise of any kind for six weeks due to the demands of travel and the fall two weeks prior, painfully bruising my left side ribs, thigh and calf. Fortunately nothing broken but hard to breathe. I didn’t know if I would be able to carry a backpack over miles of uphill hiking to the quest site located at nine thousand feel elevation. Driving the six and a half hour to meet the eight other questers I hoped for the best but also prepared myself mentally to accept that I might not be able to make it, I might have to remain by myself in the parking lot while the others went on ahead. I download some of my gear to several younger and stronger questers who offered to help carry my heaviest gear, my bear canister filled with food, and a few other items. I hoist up my pack, strap in and stand up. My body seems to be ok with it. I take some Advil as preventative medicine and off we go. Everything is working. Hooray! Now to get there.

The trail into the destination lake that was to be our quest site was about four miles as the crow flies, following a gurgling creek through forest of aspen and pine, towering mountains on either side of us as we began the thousand foot elevation climb towards our destination. It didn’t take long to feel the effects of the altitude, light-headed, wobbly and weak. We went slow, stopping as needed, which became more and more needed by myself and two others as we gained altitude. It didn’t take long to feel exhausted. Stop. Rest. Drink some water. Hike a few hundred more yards and then stop to rest again. Like a little kid on a car trip, my mind keeps wondering, "How much further to go?" Keep hiking. Suffering builds in muscles, legs, my back, labored breathing.

“OK, I get it. This is part of the vision quest medicine”, I think to myself My challenge is to find a way to accept the fact of suffering but not let it overwhelm me. Find a way to enjoy being alive and being in these beautiful mountains even though physically I am a wreck. “Be thankful you are here. That at your age you can still do this. Remember you are not your body, your feelings, your thoughts, your exhaustion. You are spirit. Love now. It is the only time you can. Be fully present for each rise and fall of every footstep. You can do this. Call on spirit, call on the strength of these mountains to help you keep going. Remember, a spiritual warrior uses everything to grow in the ways they want to grow. You want to be more peaceful, more joyful, more loving. Do it now while under this stress. Deconstruct your ego’s attempt to feel sorry for itself. You are not your ego so go deeper. Connect with strength that comes from faith that with spirit’s help you can make it there. Don’t try to do it just on your own.”

I thank my body for the hard work it is doing. “Just get me there and then you won’t have to move again until five days when it's time to hike back out from the mountains to return home. Get there, set up the tent, lay out the sleeping bag and boom, no more physical effort other than walking down to the lake to get fresh water or walking back away from the lake far enough to empty bladder and bowels without endangering the the waters we were all dependent upon for our supply of water."

I almost made it. One hundred yards from basecamp my calves cramp up something terrible. I knew if I walked another step my legs would give out from under me and I would crash to the ground with my still heavy pack adding momentum to my fall. A gift of grace arrived as one of our group who had already reached basecamp and unloaded their pack had walked back to see if anyone needed help. I did. He took my pack which allowed me to walk the final distance unburdened by extra weight. I still barely made it, but I did. I had trouble setting up my tent because my mind and body weren’t working so well. Some of my cylinders weren’t firing. I had to sit down, lean against a granite boulder and just be for awhile. Drink some water. Eat a remaining energy bar that I pulled out of my pants pocket. Gradually I got it together enough to assemble my tent, unfurl my sleeping bag, blow up my sleeping pad and flop down onto the support of the ground totally spent and wiped out. But I was here. Praise Be. I was here.

What a place to be. A gorgeous lake, majestic mountains, blue sky, amazing pine trees rising up into the heights while some non-conformist ones twisted in different shapes as if doing T’ai Chi and holding their positions. It looked like heaven to me.

It was late afternoon by the time I got enough energy to sit up and cook some dinner. There was some smoke from the big fires down south. If by chance fire came to this place we would be stuck. We’d have to get in the cold lake and hope it passed through before hypothermia took us out. Not a pleasant thought. I gave thanks for the courageous firefighters, prayed for their safety, and that those of us camped here would also be safe. The sun went down behind the mountains pretty early, we were two days away from the fall equinox. It got cold quickly, even with all my warm clothing on. We couldn’t make a fire because huge fires raged to the north and south as California suffered from drought conditions, high winds and lightning sparked blazes that were destroying thousands of acres and anything in their way. We did a brief circle sharing about our intentions for our quest, then get into our tents and sleeping bags to keep whatever warmth we still had in our bodies from slipping away readying ourselves for a long night. Totally exhausted I fall asleep shortly thereafter listening to big winds howl around the high peaks.

My tent set up at basecamp, a short walk from the lake.

The next day we were all up for a sunrise ceremony, the sky clear, the lake radiant with sunbeams dancing across the surface. We sat in circle doing a give away ceremony and then each of the eight questers took off for their solo site to reunite again on Friday morning to break fast and share the teachings that came through the time of solitude. I followed each person out to their site so I knew where they were just in case something happened where I needed to call everyone together. Returning finally to basecamp I could now release into my own solitude time. I collapsed into my camp chair situated just so between sunlight and shade that I had the best of both worlds. I close my eyes and drift off so happy to be alive, given my fall and near miss of being knocked out and drowning. I am so thankful I could make it up here, no broken bones, no cast, no major aches or pains from the hike in.

Several hours later I awake to the sound of people talking. I jump up and peer down the trailhead. Headed towards me are several backpackers unaware of my presence. I walk up to the trail head and slowly head towards their approach. They stop when they see me. I greet them letting them know there are people camped ahead seeking solitude for two days and nights on a vision quest. They get it. They tell me they are just passing through on their way to a further lake and will take a higher trail to miss the questers camped at various point along the lake hidden in the trees. I am relieved and return to basecamp. I mostly spend the afternoon in my camp chair relaxing, dozing, letting my fatigue slowly dissipate. Other than trips down to the lake to refurbish my canteen I am still, very still. Gotta stay hydrated at higher elevations even though you don’t feel thirsty.

Dark comes early on this first day of fall. The sun retreats behind the high peaks and cold fills the valley. I stay outside all bundled up as long as I can bear the cold waiting for the first stars to come out. When the first few appear I give thanks for their company and enter my tent and sleeping bag to try and conserve what little body heat I still maintain. I say prayers for the protection and good medicine of the questers, my family, friends and people who have asked for me to pray for them. I give thanks to the nature spirits and ancestor spirits of this beautiful place, pick up a book that jumped out at me when I stopped at a bookstore in Truckee on the drive here - Joy Harjo’s Anthology of Native Nations Poetry. In my still present exhaustion I fall asleep after reading a few pages.

In every year of my questing the first night on solo brings with it a dark night of the soul. It happens every time. It seems I have to first face and work with my shadow energies in order to access the wisdom medicine of the quest. I can’t get to the light it unless I face the darkness. This time  suffering starts with physical pain, tendonitis in the hamstring of my left leg. I can’t get comfortable in my tight sleeping bag. Then dry mouth. Hard to breathe. It hurts my bruised ribs. I drink water hoping to  ameliorate what feels like cotton stuck all over my tongue. Then I have to pee.  It's a cycle that keeps repeating itself.  Miserable. Feel sorry for myself. Angry. “I’m never going to do this again. I don’t need this suffering!”
 

I thrash and turn wishing for sleep but no such luck. Another addition to my misery comes  deep into the night when I hear a group of noisy men hike in to camp very close to one of my fellow questers, a young woman of 35  who was very anxious to have a secluded site where she felt safe and protected. When I heard the men I cringed. Damnit. Now her quest is ruined. Total bummer. Fucking guys! Why couldn’t they go somewhere else. Why do they have to be so loud and obnoxious. It’s the middle of the night for shit’s sake!”

I felt called to rush over there immediately  and ask them to please quiet down letting them know about the nearby quester. I shivered at the thought. It was dark and cold outside of my sleeping bag.  It would be  treacherous finding my way through the woods, not bumping or tripping over rocks and route finding  over two creeks to get there safely, and back. I decided to wait until sunrise.  I worried about what to say to them,  how they might respond. More anger and resentment for this suffering they were causing me, all their fault.

This makes for a pretty good meal of “upset-stew”. Just what the doctor ordered confronting me to look at how I fuel my suffering. “You know tomás, this is all just perfect. It’s coyote trickster-medicine pushing your reactivity buttons so you get a chance to work your intentions under pressure. You know, your intentions you state every morning upon awakening, 'I am a joyful, kind, patient, , fluidly flowing, grateful, adaptable peaceful man of light and love. I am one with the Universe, I am one with You’. How are you doing with all of that right now?” Obviously not so good yet those are the qualities of consciousness and being that I want to grow and experience more consistently in my life.

Of course wanting those qualities elicits conditions that trigger my relativity patterns that produce the opposite of those desired qualities, stick them in my face and say, “OK mister, now what? Are you going to keep fueling your suffering with your poor-me victim stories or are you going to use everything that is happening, everything you are feeling, as  opportunity for transformational work shapeshifting your misery  into joy, peace and tranquility?"

That’s it, right here. My medicine guidance for what is most important for me to pay attention to as I enter my 12th of seven year cycles - how to create responses to things not going the way my ego wants them too, responses to getting interrupted, blocked or negated due to internal or external circumstances. I start by reminding myself that none of what is happening is by accident. I remind myself that Great Spirit is present in all situations seeking to bring through FFGG - Fullest Blossoming Greatest Good, but needing me to show up to do my part to make it be so. “Right now is the only time you can experience whatever you want to experience so find a way to pull the plug on the self-pity, upset stories. Breathe out and release the energies of constriction, resistance, uptightness and inflammation. Breathe in peace, send out love. Keep doing it for as long as it takes. One breath at a time. In. Out. Peace. Love.”

Slowly my energy state starts to shift. Positive thoughts  enter my consciousness. “Those noisy campers have just as much right to be here as you. They are enjoying themselves, having a good time. You know what that is like. Have faith. Surrender to divine presence. Trust that the questers whose solitude is being interrupted will recognize that what is challenging them about the situation is part of the medicine of their quest. What is triggered in them is theirs to work on. Trust the process. Trust them. Trust spirit working in them. Trust that there is a deeper wisdom beneath it all and that each of us has the potential to access it. Now do your work.

Remember, when you are triggered you are asleep, stuck in ego identity and machine-like stimulus response patterns programmed into you unconsciously. Give thanks for the triggering. It offers opportunity to wake up. To really see what is happening. The situations that trigger you are tests of your spiritual curriculum. They offer opportunity to face and transform your reactivity and to consciously create a new experience for yourself based on love instead of fear, judgment and unconscious reactivity. Remember the song you sing at retreats - The sun returns, the sun returns, the sun returns ya-ho. Honor the darkness, feed your soul and you will surely grow. ”

Long slow deep breaths in and out. I repeat mantras, “Grace grows where gratitude flows”.  I  sing prayer  songs to soften my heart. “I’m sending you light, to help you remember. I’m sending you light, to hold you in love. I’m sending you light, to help you remember. I’m sending you light, to guide your way home. Love is the answer. Love is the key. Love is the healer. Let love flow through thee. Let love flow. Ya-wee. (thank you in the language of the Pomo indigenous people where I live in Northern California). I send love and compassion to my self, to the other questers, to my family, members of my groups, my  communities, to my ancestors, to the tree-people, to the lake and mountain spirits.  I remind myself to b be fully present in  all that I experience, to cultivate joy in being alive in this moment. I give thanks for it all.

Ever so slowly  I start to lighten up. But It’s still the middle of the night with no sleep. The dry, cotton-mouth still periodically makes my mouth feel like it is stuffed up with big wads of sticky cotton. It’s wearing me down. A final prayer, one of my big power ones I learned sitting bedside next to a dying friend many years before. “Holy Mother Mary of Miracles, Full of Grace, Thank You for Your Eternal Loving Embrace. Please send some healing light and love into my mouth to clear out this stuck energy.”

I visualize the Holy Mother sending a beam of her healing love into my mouth dissolving the sticky stuff. I visualize it working. I give thanks for the healing that is on the way making sure I am open to receive and welcome it making a good home for it so it can enter and do its job. It works. I fall asleep. Next thing I know a disturbing dream wakes me up to a new day.

In the dream I am furiously screaming at Andrea for committing me to something I didn’t want to do without her checking first to see if I was ok with it. I am possessed in anger, my prefrontal cortex highjacked by my reptilian brain. I cringe when I see how easily I can be triggered into this kind of violent expression that is so hurtful to me internally and to anyone on the receiving end of my wraith. The dream dramatically shows me that despite all the years of work on myself and catching myself from that kind of reactivity I still have that energy and reactive pattern deep inside of me. It has not gone away. “Face and own it tomás. This is part of you of your shadow. You still have a long way to go in taming this judgmental blame-others pattern.”

My body is tight and constricted. I take some cleansing breaths to release tension in my body resulting from the dream. I I do some simple stretches, get out of my sleeping bag, get dressed remembering I need to head over to where the camper guys are to alert them to the nearby presence of the young woman quester. I wonder how they will react to my news. It takes me awhile to hike around the lake to where I can now hear them just waking up. I walk into their camp.  They look surprised. I greet them and wish them  good morning. Six guys, buddies, who do something like this every year. Cool. I tell them about the young woman just over the rise and explain the quest. They respond kindly explaining they are just about to break camp and leave heading to another lake higher up in the mountains. “Whew”. Relief surges through me. Solitude restored. I wish them well and head back to my camp.

I don’t get to enjoy the good news for long because after fifty yards I hear new voices coming down the trail towards the lake. More people coming in heading towards base camp where my tent is pitched. I change my direction to head them off and alert them to the questers up ahead. They too respond with kindness and understanding. They detour to a higher trail that bypasses the quester sites. I thank them for your consideration and wish them well. I continue back to my site. Later and throughout the day more hikers come through. I hear them coming from far away so jump up to head them off before they reach the trail that leads down to where I and the other questers are located, tell them about quest and then let go to see how they respond. Without exception all are respectful and cooperative and take other trails to their destinations that will not disturb my compadres. I am very grateful but realize that part of my role on this quest is acting as Guardian at the Gate. So be it. I accept it for what it is, part of my medicine assignment, protecting others, just as I try to do with my prayers that each quester will be safe with good medicine coming through their time at their spot.

Finally some peace. I made it through the suffering of the hike in and the Dark Night of the Soul. The portal opens. I do my morning thanksgiving prayers to the seven directional powers of the medicine wheel then settle down into my camp chair to just be with all that is here in this incredible place of such beauty. The lake, the trees, the rocks, the spirits.

The mountain peaks, the big sky

Granite  boulders
 vibrating 
story of this land
pine trees
tall, short, old, young
bony ones stripped
of foliage
by lighting strike
disease
death

high peaks
thrusting
cliffs
summit
ridge line
circling
dark
blue-green
glimering
lake

The grandeur, the peace, the beauty of it all. Last remnants of smoke from fire far away fire now all gone. I stand up and face the now rising higher sun in the clear blue sky reciting aloud one of my daily prayers - “I consciously set my sails with humility, receptivity, flexibility, fluidity and gratitude to catch the breeze and waves of God’s grace, successfully making a sacred marriage with all that cross my path today (accepting it for what it is and getting its information on how to be with it in a good way) successfully opening the doorway for fullest blossoming and greatest good to come through for all, knowing, you, loving you and serving you (higher will, spirit) with joy, grace and gratitude." My slowing down vibrational rate aided by fasting, sleep deprivation, altitude and prayers opens awareness to attunement with the spirits of this amazing place. It’s golden time for the traffic cop, guardian-a-the gate with no one else around. I fill up with the radiating power so richly shared here by the forces of nature. 

Spirit images
emerge
with
slowing
down
time

interweaving

energy
tapestry 
wonderous
beings

this piece of wood

stand up from camp chair
mosey down to lake
two steps into my mosey
 piece of wood stops me
“I got something for ya”
stiff back
i bend over
pick it up

flat sliver
cuneiform figures
older than
Sumarian clay
tablets
way back time
written by
the old one
who knows how
to lay down
a message

nature’s way
speaks through
winter snows
summer
grows
autumn’s
fall
springs new
flows

“Read me,”
it
says
“Remember
what
is
truly
worth
remembering,”
it says.

Wind blasts

upper world
dragon mouths

stillness when it comes
winds rest
no noise
golden silence
peace abides
too precious
to miss
luxuriate

winds
return
cool
drafts
waft
valley
power
songs
majesty
might

sit still
watch
take in
energy/spirits
to

organ
to

bone

how best
to live
entering
77th
year
what
lies
ahead
what is
to
come

lived-out
pine
tree
bends
to
earth
time
grows
shorter

mountain
rises
falls

cosmic 
dance

wonder
of
now

I think back to how upset I got when I first heard other campers coming in to our site. How I judged them for their noise level, for being so obtrusive, so unconscious. How angry I got, how much I resented their presence. I think about how the indigenous peoples of this land might have felt when the first settlers came crashing into their lives.  Words come.

We stole
this land
scalped
poisoned trade blankets
raped
pillaged
decimated
 ancient cultures
nations
proud

people
with
dreams
who
loved
their
children
honored
their
elders

killed
by
lance
by avarice
greed
minds
who
honored
gold
but
forsooth
soul

“No way
leave
us
alone
go back where you
came from
learn
respect
humility
then
you
can
stay"

so much
lost
wisdom
poetry
art
cosmologies
understandings
gained
over
eons of time

how all
works
together
for good

when 

respected

so much
lost
but not
all
gone

people
endured
survived
how they could
carried
forth
ways of the
land
generations
making a
stand

hark to
stories
songs 
struggling
to be
heard
open

heart
mind 

roar
of
ocean
song
of
flyers
People
who know
how to
live
free

follow 
way
Great
Sacred
Tree

land
to  heal
listen
must
we
to those
who
remember
how
to
be

 winds
roar
back

 comes from the eagle

beating wings
sound waves power
go where they please
stirring earth’s cauldron
breath of the mighty

those who listen
gifts come galore
all that’s required -

open the door

lake calm
 winds 
sleep
gentle
 ripples
glide 
slowly
across
wide
water

mirror lake
holds mountain and stone
soft purring
peace

down
to
the bone
Afton to Gitchegoomee
water rolls on
bringing splendor
then
gone

wind roils
 waters

dance
divine
no  mankind marchings 
could ever intwine
 march of the waters
so 

sublime

I sit before a gnarled pine tree

spirit slowly speaks to me
 slow down
just thee and me
both of us energy
tree and me
quieter I get
the louder it speaks
not English
older

vibrations enter  eyes
electromagnetic currents reach into skull
 electrochemical flows fuel brain
making

virtual reality visions of what I “see”
as a tree

two living beings

getting getting to know each other
sunny crisp autumn day
Eastern Sierra
 here
this tree
me
sharing

intimacy

personal encounter
theophany 
deity manifestation

in
observable
way
eros
i'd say

contemplation

the

way

My fellow questers return from their sojourn Friday. We break fast. Spend the day how each is called. Share dinner that night and begin sharing our experiences. Sun sets, cold returns so into warmth of our tents and sleeping bags until morning. We greet the new day with sunrise ceremony, then sit in circle to complete our sharing. Each of us touched by soul testings, their own version of what I went through with my Dark Night of the Soul. Each also rewarded by medicine gifts - teachings, insights, challenges, healing and oh yes, of course, comes with the territory - homework! What is given on quest is to be brought home, integrated into the daily living of our lives. As my first Native teacher taught me, “Don’t go on quest unless you are willing to take more responsibility for your life. You will be tested when you come down from the mountain to see if you mean what you say. If you will live what you have been given.”

My tests start with the hike down the mountain. I go slow. Mindful steps. Frequent rest stops.  Fatigue returns. Shoulders ache, Thighs tremble. Suffering. “Ah yes, this is the start of bringing my quest medicine down the mountain. It is time to create a relationship with  suffering using gratitude to access joy." It helps immensely to see the colors of fall have come to the aspens, golden yellow leaves softly waving in the light breeze as we hiked along the trailhead. Magnificent beauty. Somebody knows what they are doing!

We don’t reach our cars to start the drive home until late in the afternoon. I knew I would be doing a good part of the drive in the dark and with my eyes already tired from my bodily fatigue.  Concern about staying awake and alert enough to safely navigate the demands of single lane  backcountry roads and then busy freeways. I hope all goes smoothly so I  get home before midnight. Not to be. Four tests to my peace of mind and hoped for time schedule to reach home. First a wreck that stops traffic. Further up a detour that slows traffic to a crawl. Total stoppage on the Richmond Bridge crossing the San Francisco Bay. Then my exit closed just as I am about to get off the freeway and finally make it home. I watch my reactivity emerge with each upset. “Perfect. The coyote trickster is giving me  opportunities to make a conscious decision - leave the quest medicine back in the mountains or bring it home, right here, right now, into these troubling disturbances busting my time estimates of when I will get home.”

“Let it all go tomás. Befriend what is happening. Befriend your reactivity. Create a response to it that opens your heart, that softens your tight body Accept what is without resistance. Welcome it in. Use it all to drop in deeper to connect with inner peace beneath the tumult on the surface. This is the only time you can live your intentions. Truth is you might never make it home so get on with your work right now sitting in your stopped car. Live the love that you are now. Clean out  thought-created  energy constriction  in your pipes. Use the quest medicine you were gifted with to shape-shift your reactivity. Wake up. Remember you are love and that your love is for giving. Get on with dude. That is why you are here. Polish up your stardust. Use this  stoppage time  to send love out to others. Find joy, create joy. Live it. Give thanks for all.  Live love now!”

I
do.
peace
returns
love
lives
home
safely
unload
give
thanks
hot shower 
comfy bed 
yay!

Next morning 

lying
still
dawn
light
beams
past
branches
angle
head
just so
close one eye
squint 

voila!

rainbow streams
dimensional
delight
yet
everyday lens
tight
clenches
soul
heart
closes
mind
poisons
land

what cha gonna
do?
what cha gonna
do?
make
a
stand
how
bout
a
dance?

do
we
even
have
a
chance

let

go
flow
slow
reap
what
you
sow.

didn’t
learn
anything
more
about
muons
but
soul
fed

gratitude

next
year
spirt
body
willing
strap
on
pack
head
out
up

in.

May it be so.